Vacant Mind

Hospital, Into the Wild and a Journal October 16th, 2010

Saturday 17th October, this is a day when two things happened which forced a third thing to happen.

My grandma went to hospital

There was something wrong with her white blood cell count. We went to see her but I was nervous this was the first time in a long time that she has been in there for something serious. By the time that we got there she had been feeling better, mum had said that she is looking better. I was relieved but again it stuck me, she is slowly slipping away. Each month I notice that she is getting a little bit older that she seems to forget things and that her cognition is off.

This has again sparked me into the whole family tree/history thing, my desperate need to know and record my past. For what purpose and for what end I’m yet to figure out but I do know that the more that I find out the more I am interested in.

I watched “Into the Wild”

It’s an interesting movie with a suggestive sub-text. We live in a materialistic world filled with people who are desperate to impress other people. I liked the story and it seems rather romantic…from the outside, the reality is a different story. It got me thinking about what I’m doing now and how much it really matters.

I wanted to find out the books that Chris (from the movie) read for him to reach this state of mind, this is what I’ve found so far.

• ‘Tanaina Plantlore’ by Priscilla Russel Kari
• ‘Education of a Wandering Man’ by Louis L’Amour
• Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
• War and Peace (Lev Tolstoy)
• Death of Ivan Ilych (Lev Tolstoj)
• Call of the Wild (Jack London)
• White Fang (Jack London)
• Moon-Face (Jack London)
• Brown Wolf (Jack London)
• To Build a Fire (Jack London)
• Doctor Zhivago (Boris Pasternak)
• Terminal Man (Michael Crichton)
• O Jersualem! (Larry Collins & Dominique Lapierre)
• Walden (Henry David Thoreau)

The aim would be to read it and see if I can see (figuratively) the same things that he did.

I’ve thought again about the idea of a journal

This has all let me to the mystical journal that I keep picking up and putting down. Half of it is this blog the other half is written for myself.

I think that I’ll give it another go in 2011.

Tags: Family, Journal, Movie
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I’m Engaged September 1st, 2008

I asked her.

She said yes!

Everyone is celebrating.

What do I do now…

Tags: Life, Marriage, Personal
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Seen only once July 31st, 2008

There are quite a few times that I miss haveing my camera around, I mostly don’t carry it because it can be a pain to carry if I already have a work bag and a suit. I try to make an effort one or two days a week usually on a Monday or Friday.

Doing this means that I miss out on rare opportunties like today. Walking out of the office and just missed a bit of a shower or drizzle but looking up towards to the Paris end of Collins Street I saw one really strong rainbow, there was another but the colour was weaker.

It wasn’t just the rainbow that was stunning, the light was this light sepia colour everywhere, the air had this great wet fresh smell about, the clouds around the rainbow that this look like someone had dragged a rake across the snow.

I wish that I had my camera to capture that moment and the sight, I couldn’t describe it well enough which is why I take photos and not write poetry.
Hopefully I’ll get that chance again.

Tags: City, melbourne, Photo, Photography, Rain
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Joint Account March 25th, 2008

Do you have one? Was it an easy decision? Mine wasn’t.

The more people that I tell the more that they caution me that it’s one of the big steps and to look out she will be asking for a ring next (I’ve already encountered that one)

My hesitation isn’t complex, it’s quite simple – I didn’t want to be held accountable.
I’m great when I need to save for a goal I’ve got no problems putting money away when I need to.
When I do have money I enjoy spending it, on nights out, on my new crumpler bag or looking forward to new camera lens.

I never saw the problem in spending money if I had saved for it, I had made the conscious decision to buy something  and months ago started saving and months later still want it. But now I am no longer justified in buying said item – the logic doesn’t make sense to me. The rational does, “well now that you have saved the money you might as well not spend it and save it for something more useful’ I was astonished to say the least.

This is why I have still kept my original account and will continue to be paid into that for as long as I can, because I think that why I have saved I have the right to spend.

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No Not Yet December 21st, 2007

They are dropping like flies, one by one they are making that next step, moving on with their lives and leaving their friends in their wake of maturity and the next stage of their lives.

Even the girlfriend is giving me the look of “Well when is it going to be?”
“I don’t know, I don’t feel that I’m ready” I say
She stares back “Excuse me, not ready we have been together for 5 years, what do you mean not ready”
Me “oops”

What do I do, when every family member, co-worker and friend are asking when we are going to get married. Now all that I have in my arsnel of answers is – well not yet but soon.

It’s not that I’m scared, well I am, I know that she will say yes, that’s not the problem it is that I feel that I haven’t finished everything that I wanted to do before I settle down. Not only that but my frame of mind isn’t into it, I see it as the end of all that I hold scared and dear to my heart – freedom. The freedom of coming home after a big night of drinking and not having to answer to anyone about what you did, how you got home, how much you drank. Not having to account for any of the gadgets or things that you have bought, just because you wanted them and what to have a bit of fun. Not have to give up playing games because now you have to spend time with someone.

It isn’t that I don’t love her, I do, I most certainly do. As with most things about myself I seem to have to wait this out, it simply might be a case of maturity that I have to reach and finally realise what I want to do.

In the mean time I think that I will join this Facebook group: My Friends Are Getting Married. I’m Just Getting Drunk.

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In Japan October 30th, 2007

Well at least I was in Japan, I no longer am, but wish that I still was.

I have always held a long fascination with Japan, the people, culture and history and after coming from India it was a pleasure to be somewhere so quiet, polite and ordered. Everything was clean, everything had a purpose and almost everything had a certain beauty about it that demanded attention.

The generosity and maticilous nature of the people will always remain in my memories and I’m glad that I have made my dream trip (to Japan) and was not disappointed by it.

I had an amazing time traveling overseas and wished that it wouldn’t end, but sadly commitments (don’t we all have them) drew me back home.

Posted in Life, Travel | 2 Comments »

Not where I want to be July 4th, 2007

I wake up and the head is pounding and my stomach is making funny noises like it isn’t very happy, as my eyes and voice adjust to daylight I realise what had happened the night before.

Too much alcohol way too much, I have vague recollections of what I said, who was there, and ultimately what I had done – throwing up is never something that I count as one of my proud moments.

I woke up and wasted most of the day in pain and hoping that I would be able to keep food down, I was able to which was lucky because I had an important dinner that evening.

It hit me through the course of the day that this isn’t what I wanted to do anymore, I don’t think that getting drunk really reflects who I really want to be or help me achieve the goals that I want. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy drinking (alcohol) but at this moment I decided that getting paralytic past the point of embarrassment and incoherence was not something that I wanted to do.

I am feeling a sense of achievement recently and motivation, I can’t tell if outside pressure or if internal maturity is forcing me to have results from my activities and interests. The girlfriend is pushing the relationship at a fast pace due to pressure on her part and being the individual that I am I am going along with it.

I look at myself and my surroundings and it’s not that I’m not happy with what I see but I’m certainly not pleased with it – things can certainly be better. There are so many forgotten goals and milestones that I wanted to achieve years ago, buying ASX shares is one of them.

I have started to improve certain things like wasting less time and exercising but some habits are hard to break. I’m getting better though and I will be reporting my progress here.

The first stop is to improve my productivity from what I have noticed there is a method called Getting Things Done (The Australian Version) Like many have said I think that this looks rather fun and anything to improve my efficiency would be great. I have been a listener of The Podcast Network for a while and have found The Productivity Podcast

Also a plug to Cameron Reilly and his most excellent gday world podcast

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Creativity June 28th, 2007

I’ve talked to a few ‘creative’ people about what they do (you can define that anyway you like it doesn’t matter – musicians, graphic designers) and they seem to hit the same road block time and time again. That being that they have to be ‘creative’ in the confines of a framework, that frame work could be anything from branding to editing. I’m not that much of a creative person myself but I think that I could understand their position, being told to come with with new ideas or bring their flare to a certain idea but then being knocked back because it doesn’t fit in with the corporate image. As a result these people have had to either stick it out or struggle along until they are able to make it on their own doing their craft – I don’t envy their position I find it hard enough having to compete for work and consistently having to prove myself so that when that one interesting job comes up so does my name to do it.

Creativity is something that I have been thinking about a bit lately, mainly because I coming into a few hobbies that by my definition involve creativity. I’ll describe in them two broad categories online media (blogging, podcasting etc…) and photography. Both require interpretation of a scene or situations that each bring the authors unique slant on the world, essentially taking something ordinary and making it extraordinary. From my limited and recent experience it’s something that cannot be taught, yes it can be extended and expanded through education but that initial vision must be there.

I am looking for balance to my technical side, I find writing an good outlet a way to express myself and also improve my communication and writing skills. I find photography interesting because it gives me the ability to take a snapshot that I can look back on, but for me it also offers that unique opportunity to play with a gadget as well. I have found increasing interest in both things this year while I haven’t had the time to do either with any vigor (mainly due to uni) I am finding that I am holding myself back due to self doubt.
I don’t consider myself a creative person I think that I operate better with guidelines and rules I always have I have excelled and taking a proven method and doing it well sometimes changing it so that it be better but generally I don’t rock the boat.

It is partly the reason that I have been reluctant to take up both seriously because I’m afraid that I will fail at them, but then at that very sweet moment of wondering if I should give it all up I found this on my desk

It is not because it is difficult that we don’t try it’s because we don’t try that things are difficult
Taken from:

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.

Seneca
Roman dramatist, philosopher, & politician (5 BC – 65 AD)

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Graduate Jobs April 3rd, 2007

So I’m at that stage where I am applying for graduate positions. I’m not the brightest student that has ever been so I’m relying a lot on my extra activities such as work and sport. I’m not really sure how these will hold up, I assume that they would run a lot of the online applications through a computer system that would filter them based on a set of rules such as grades or keywords.

It brings me to wonder if going for a graduate position is the best option, but I suppose that it’s the point of it – the option is there. I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t too much of a chance but I thought that the opportunity is there and there is not reason to be half assed about it, so I haven’t been. I would probably be averaging 4 – 6 hours per application.

But saying that I’m no chance and not getting any acceptance emails/sms is a different story out of the 9 that I did last week I got 1…today.

I guess that reality hits harder that it sounds.

More updates later.

Posted in Life, Personal, University, Work | 2 Comments »

Achieved January 25th, 2007

I am nearing my birthday again this year and i am wondering what I have done that I’m proud of?

This time last year I was overseas and traveling around Europe which was good, I had waited sometime to do it and saved for a year working two jobs and going to uni it was a hard juggle. I came back on a high feeling that the year had a great start to it, I had started the year off with achieving something and doing something great (in my mind) I had learned more and felt that I had grown a little bit.

Uni started and I did that but I can’t really remember something that was fantastic about the first semester that I had done, I had passed all my subjects which was bit of a surprise for me and the second semester was the same, if anything the year ended with me getting nothing that I wanted to do and realising that I didn’t know myself as well as I thought that I did.

The new year has come around and I’m going to be another year older this year and looking internally have realised that certain major parts of life I don’t necessarily want anymore.

It was also partly the reason why I dropped the ball with this blog as well, I felt that there was nothing anymore to report on.

I don’t feel like I have the friends that I had before, my personal relationships (from my viewpoint) are not as rock solid as before, my financial situation isn’t dire but not where I want it, after starting the year good on my fitness and weight loss it had gone downhill by the end of the year I am heavier at the start of this year when compared to last. The only up side that I can see is that I have one semester of Uni left until I am finished but it isn’t going to be easy being the last one – another challenge.

The chips are down, I’m a little bit depressed and feel like I am in a rut – so what do I do now.

I do what I have always done, I get back up and dust myself off and keep going and hope that my luck and motivation will hold out long enough so that I can finally get what I want. I would like to say that this is the year and sugar coat it with motivation such as the fact that I’m getting older and there isn’t much time left and what ever I want to happen I need to do it now otherwise it just might be too late.

I will try and not only that I will use this blog as an electronic testament to what I want to achieve and what I have. There is something that I have also always done that has kept me in good stead which has dropped off in the last six months – the brighter side of life I have always seen the silver lining and I will try to do that again.

So with drink in hand, here is to the future…cheers.

Posted in Life, Personal | 1 Comment »