Vacant Mind

My constant state of optimisation

I always seem to be changing things, I can never tell if it is for the better or worse but they are always changing. My room is the best example that I have, consistently throughout this year it will change, things will come and go and be shifted.

Already my beloved stereo has moved from it’s place in full view to under the bed to make room for a plastic stacker to how hold my growing collection of accessories and clothing.

The clothes in my wardrobe have lessened, getting rid of the old and not exactly getting anything new but making room for the more functional and less worn.

Now a days when people ask what I am doing, my most common response in cleaning, while this is annoying, I do tend to find that I make a mess a lot so I have decided to make more space in my room and better position items.

The only problem is that I seem to be doing this all the time and every so often I see something new that I can change…I finally decided that I will never reach a state of completelness so I’ll forever be in a  constant state of optimisation

No Not Yet

They are dropping like flies, one by one they are making that next step, moving on with their lives and leaving their friends in their wake of maturity and the next stage of their lives.

Even the girlfriend is giving me the look of “Well when is it going to be?”
“I don’t know, I don’t feel that I’m ready” I say
She stares back “Excuse me, not ready we have been together for 5 years, what do you mean not ready”
Me “oops”

What do I do, when every family member, co-worker and friend are asking when we are going to get married. Now all that I have in my arsnel of answers is - well not yet but soon.

It’s not that I’m scared, well I am, I know that she will say yes, that’s not the problem it is that I feel that I haven’t finished everything that I wanted to do before I settle down. Not only that but my frame of mind isn’t into it, I see it as the end of all that I hold scared and dear to my heart - freedom. The freedom of coming home after a big night of drinking and not having to answer to anyone about what you did, how you got home, how much you drank. Not having to account for any of the gadgets or things that you have bought, just because you wanted them and what to have a bit of fun. Not have to give up playing games because now you have to spend time with someone.

It isn’t that I don’t love her, I do, I most certainly do. As with most things about myself I seem to have to wait this out, it simply might be a case of maturity that I have to reach and finally realise what I want to do.

In the mean time I think that I will join this Facebook group: My Friends Are Getting Married. I’m Just Getting Drunk.

Creativity

I’ve talked to a few ‘creative’ people about what they do (you can define that anyway you like it doesn’t matter - musicians, graphic designers) and they seem to hit the same road block time and time again. That being that they have to be ‘creative’ in the confines of a framework, that frame work could be anything from branding to editing. I’m not that much of a creative person myself but I think that I could understand their position, being told to come with with new ideas or bring their flare to a certain idea but then being knocked back because it doesn’t fit in with the corporate image. As a result these people have had to either stick it out or struggle along until they are able to make it on their own doing their craft - I don’t envy their position I find it hard enough having to compete for work and consistently having to prove myself so that when that one interesting job comes up so does my name to do it.

Creativity is something that I have been thinking about a bit lately, mainly because I coming into a few hobbies that by my definition involve creativity. I’ll describe in them two broad categories online media (blogging, podcasting etc…) and photography. Both require interpretation of a scene or situations that each bring the authors unique slant on the world, essentially taking something ordinary and making it extraordinary. From my limited and recent experience it’s something that cannot be taught, yes it can be extended and expanded through education but that initial vision must be there.

I am looking for balance to my technical side, I find writing an good outlet a way to express myself and also improve my communication and writing skills. I find photography interesting because it gives me the ability to take a snapshot that I can look back on, but for me it also offers that unique opportunity to play with a gadget as well. I have found increasing interest in both things this year while I haven’t had the time to do either with any vigor (mainly due to uni) I am finding that I am holding myself back due to self doubt.
I don’t consider myself a creative person I think that I operate better with guidelines and rules I always have I have excelled and taking a proven method and doing it well sometimes changing it so that it be better but generally I don’t rock the boat.

It is partly the reason that I have been reluctant to take up both seriously because I’m afraid that I will fail at them, but then at that very sweet moment of wondering if I should give it all up I found this on my desk

It is not because it is difficult that we don’t try it’s because we don’t try that things are difficult
Taken from:

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.

Seneca
Roman dramatist, philosopher, & politician (5 BC - 65 AD)

I got a job

In relation to my recent post about appling for gradate positions

I GOT A JOB !

I won’t say where (I enjoy the slight ambiguity of this blog), but it is in the city, so my long held romantic dream of wearing a suit and being a corporate pig might actually come true.
Oddly enough everyone around me is much more excited than I am, I’m not sure why I suppose that I only know the difficult road that awaits and I’ll be the one who has to struggle through them.

All that aside, hopefully if everything goes according to plan I will be trying to plan a trip overseas, because when will I ever get another chance to have 6 months off with nothing to do…probably never.
I have of course still have to pass exams that I’m currently going through, thinking about the endless fun that awaits me for the next 6 months is seriously distracting my studying, I was supposed to do at least 8 hours today for the linchpin exams that could start my stumble for the next coming months but I have decided to laze about the house reading blogs. It wasn’t the smarted move that I have made, and here I am writing this post for good reason.

I caught the latter part of Denton and then spending some time with friends during the week realised why I started this blog in the first place, writing about what happens around me and what I do entertains me, it helps me focus and make sense.
One of the reasons that I like enjoyed traveling Europe last year was that it was like walking through a history book I hope that one day I can look back at my writing the same way.

The delusions of grandeur aside there I hope that the next 6 months will provide me with lot to write about and a few plans are a foot, such as planning another overseas trip (which will cause me to start another blog), buying such new gear (camera) and generally seeing some dear friends that I have neglected over the last six months.

Well now that is out of my system I will have to get back to my study which will finish in about 2.5 weeks.

Why do they do it

In relation to my previous post about my own indecision I recently had dinner with a single friend (of the female persuassion) who is curious as to why men are controlled my their ‘dicks’ as she put it.

This brought me back to my own thoughts about commitment and some of my friends who have been with a few girls.
I’m sure that there are many out there (with far more life experience than I) who have some insight as to why men are ‘arseholes’ or ‘controlled by their dicks’, but to put it more succinctly, why is it that us as a gender seem to fail under the pressure of a relationship (short or long) the fear of commitment is clearly one reason. Although I must state the stereotype mainly relates to guys I have known a few girls known to play with the heart stings of many men.

I tried and failed to answer this question after the consistent complaining of above mentioned female friend, feeling that I was to answer for he rest of the guys that she had recent contact with. I would like to give her hope for the future, my only advice that I could give her that evening was maybe she wasn’t looking in the right places, the guys at clubs I assume would be different to the guys you would meet in a cafe or through friends, but that reasoning was put to rest when she attested to the meeting ‘dickheads’ through both avenues.

I do remember reading about it once is a magazine about guys who like a change after a certain period of time and can’t settle down, in fact I have known quite a few. One I thought was my hero for some time, every weekend there was always some different girl and if there was a girl who could hold is attention for sometime it might last a couple of months. The last time that I spoke to him he was seeing the one girl for about 18 months which was interesting considering his reputation. When asked why, the answer was dead simple. He found her interesting, there was something about her that held is attention for longer than most, besides the sex.

My own personal reason for saying with my current girlfriend for so long as been the fact that we get along very well, and she seems to tolerate some of my more annoying traits. Some of my mates reasons have been similar, she interesting, she gets me, she is understanding, we have fun, she is what I was looking for. They seem to have meet their respective lady friends within the same circles that they socialise in.

Which brings me back to, ‘maybe it’s where you meet them’. I’m certainly not the one to be dispensing relationship advice, I have a hard time dealing with my own. I believe that I will stick to my earlier suggestion that it’s where you meet them that matters and I hope that she gets a better guy next time.

The Pressure

The weekend started off nicely enough I was able to get out on Friday night and get out I did, I don’t really remember getting home at all so it’s safe to say that I got pretty hammered that night.

There is a lot to be said about trashy local pubs that don’t offer too much by way of surrounds or atmophere, but I was lucky enough to have good company that night and so the fact that the establishment was suburban didn’t really matter.

The engagement party (not mine obviously) the next day was entirely another story altogether, while the main even went off well and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, I enjoyed the food and chatting to a few people that I hadn’t seen in a while I could hear little voices in my head…well what I thought was my head turned out to be the whispers of people behind me.

Unbeknown to myself everyone had been secretly asking the question: will they or won’t they or more specifically…is he bloody well going to ask her?

We have been together a long time… when compared to the engaged couple that everyone was there for, their relationship had spanned about 4 years ours was about double that. It isn’t such a big deal until you start telling people how long you have been together and they get that surprised look on their faces like someone has slapped them.

I’m not sure what the questions and answers are like on her end (the girlfriend) but mine are decidedly unsure, more get that worried look on their faces when I tell them of the recent events. My mates who know me best are the first to point out what I already know - that I’m not ready yet - that is clear enough not only in my words but my actions. But the question the little voice that I spoke of keeps asking is:

“If not now when? If not when what are you doing now?”

While in discussion of another couple we pointed out the fact that as you get older the general trend is that it takes a shorter amount of time to decide of he/she is the right one to slip that ring on that magic finger, but since our relationship has stretched since our teenage years it isn’t necessary for us to worry about the “big question” for the moment.
While this discussion got be some time on the bench for a while, I realised days later that it doesn’t leave me out of the game completely.

Self examination has brought me to the sad conclusion that my self held belief that I was slightly better than the men some of the girls that I know complain about was a disillusion. I could possibly be one of those guys who are afraid to commit, I am loath to admit it to anyone because at least I hope that they hold the same illusion that I once did, for a little while longer at least.

Well I guess that I will have to file this one away for another day when I really need to cross that bridge and decide then.

Graduate Jobs

So I’m at that stage where I am applying for graduate positions. I’m not the brightest student that has ever been so I’m relying a lot on my extra activities such as work and sport. I’m not really sure how these will hold up, I assume that they would run a lot of the online applications through a computer system that would filter them based on a set of rules such as grades or keywords.

It brings me to wonder if going for a graduate position is the best option, but I suppose that it’s the point of it - the option is there. I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t too much of a chance but I thought that the opportunity is there and there is not reason to be half assed about it, so I haven’t been. I would probably be averaging 4 - 6 hours per application.

But saying that I’m no chance and not getting any acceptance emails/sms is a different story out of the 9 that I did last week I got 1…today.

I guess that reality hits harder that it sounds.

More updates later.

Achieved

I am nearing my birthday again this year and i am wondering what I have done that I’m proud of?

This time last year I was overseas and traveling around Europe which was good, I had waited sometime to do it and saved for a year working two jobs and going to uni it was a hard juggle. I came back on a high feeling that the year had a great start to it, I had started the year off with achieving something and doing something great (in my mind) I had learned more and felt that I had grown a little bit.

Uni started and I did that but I can’t really remember something that was fantastic about the first semester that I had done, I had passed all my subjects which was bit of a surprise for me and the second semester was the same, if anything the year ended with me getting nothing that I wanted to do and realising that I didn’t know myself as well as I thought that I did.

The new year has come around and I’m going to be another year older this year and looking internally have realised that certain major parts of life I don’t necessarily want anymore.

It was also partly the reason why I dropped the ball with this blog as well, I felt that there was nothing anymore to report on.

I don’t feel like I have the friends that I had before, my personal relationships (from my viewpoint) are not as rock solid as before, my financial situation isn’t dire but not where I want it, after starting the year good on my fitness and weight loss it had gone downhill by the end of the year I am heavier at the start of this year when compared to last. The only up side that I can see is that I have one semester of Uni left until I am finished but it isn’t going to be easy being the last one - another challenge.

The chips are down, I’m a little bit depressed and feel like I am in a rut - so what do I do now.

I do what I have always done, I get back up and dust myself off and keep going and hope that my luck and motivation will hold out long enough so that I can finally get what I want. I would like to say that this is the year and sugar coat it with motivation such as the fact that I’m getting older and there isn’t much time left and what ever I want to happen I need to do it now otherwise it just might be too late.

I will try and not only that I will use this blog as an electronic testament to what I want to achieve and what I have. There is something that I have also always done that has kept me in good stead which has dropped off in the last six months - the brighter side of life I have always seen the silver lining and I will try to do that again.

So with drink in hand, here is to the future…cheers.

Journey

It started with grand plans,
on a wiff of a small dream
that ends in the promised lands.

It wasn’t a mighty plan but still grand,
a trip overseas a house maybe more
and possibly baked bean cans
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Advice from my Father

I have never been comfortable with this, I’m not sure why there is nothing wrong with what he is saying, I suppose that most of it is true but there is something about it which doesn’t sit quite right. I don’t think that I’m alone because most of my mates have said the same thing as well.

This is the first time that he has tried to give me ‘life advice’ the other times had always been school and friends stuff which is harmless but then we got to the sex talk….uncomfortable!

Everything he said just was really weird and disjointed I was more embarrassed for him rather than me, it’s actually quite funny now that I think of it how he decided to deliver his speech and mum for some reason thought that it was his job to do it rather than hers or both. From here it moved to relationship advice, marriage advice with the odd technical stuff thrown in for good measure to make sure I am enough of a man…roar!!
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