Standard logical rule that I believe has always existed: My friend then I drive to and from venue. Her friend then she will drive to and from the venue.

Actual rule that does exist: No matter where we are going I will always drive, if it is my friend I have to drive because it is my friend and she shouldn’t have to drive. If it is her friend then I have to drive because she wants to drink and doesn’t like driving at night.

Warning: Questioning the rule will result in anger, possible silence and statements of me being difficult

I’m not used to the routine either that she has, so regimented so routine. It leaves little to be flexible with the little time that I do have to do what I want. There are many things that I have found out that I would like to share with you now.

• I didn’t know that pillows also existed for decoration. I thought that beds served a practical purpose and since no one has seen it yet decoration seems useless.

• Beds need to be tucked in a military fashion otherwise it is not made

• House cleaning must be done at 7am on a Saturday morning.

• Gardening is meant to be fun

• ‘You’re the man’ is meant to he a sufficient reason for almost everything

It’s not that I’m complaining, it is that I’ve never segmented duties to gender classification, but it seems the I’m relegated to the garden work and she to the house work.
I don’t know if it has been the years of nagging and negative comments, but I’m just very cynical of her now. Or am I too emotional that I take comments that she said too personal. Who knows.

This is the first time that he has tried to give me ‘life advice’ the other times had always been school and friends stuff which is harmless but then we got to the sex talk….uncomfortable!

Everything he said just was really weird and disjointed I was more embarrassed for him rather than me, it’s actually quite funny now that I think of it how he decided to deliver his speech and mum for some reason thought that it was his job to do it rather than hers or both. From here it moved to relationship advice, marriage advice with the odd technical stuff thrown in for good measure to make sure I am enough of a man…roar!!

Today’s talk was about buying houses with the g/f, the other stuff was fine because I could take it at face value and write it off as a father with years of experience trying to pass on knowledge which is cool by me and I appreciate it, most of the time it is useful, most of the time.

But this topic hit a little too close to home, I have been thinking about this for a little while and the subject of moving out has been a little sore at the moment because of our differences (the g/f and I) with the place that we want to go to. She and I couldn’t be more polar opposites rent/buy and city/suburbs. So far I have been putting it off until later, but it keeps popping up. It comes down to our personalities, most of the things that I enjoy and want to do happen to be in the city which includes a lot of the festivals, clubs and pubs, at this age I just think that it would be more exciting if I was to live somewhere closer to the action so I would have less of a chance of missing out on things. Her on the other hand (from my point of view) seems to already have the grandma cardigan on and enjoys those nights at home and thus would prefer the leafier surrounds of suburban life, this further extends to the question of rent/buy. Renting for me at this stage would mean that I would have more disposable income be it for a short while and more flexibility with what I wanted to do with my money and where I wanted to go. But buying for me would prove to much of a commitment and frankly would feel like there would be nothing left for me to experience. Could you imagine trying to pay a mortgage on a graduate salary…

‘hey life….cya later’

Of course my reasons are opposites for her, she isn’t into the city life and setting down is what she wants, so I have a hard difficult road ahead. I am rather good at compromises so I am hoping that I can work something out, but at this stage like I do with most things I will put it towards the back of my mind and worries until I really have to deal with it.

The advice was good and when compared to my plan seemed like a much better idea, it seems that my parents aren’t as disconnected from my world or generation as I thought and they will definitely become more useful as I get older. Besides I might need somewhere to go and live in a near future.

The changes that I have seen in myself I have also seen in my group of friends, as we have group we have always been good mates and I have no doubt that we always will be, but we have begun to separate and follow different paths. We don’t see each other as often as we used to and when we do the conversations seem to be scattered almost like we are holding back. The changes are all different – marriage, relationships, moving out, overseas, stagnation…yes stagnation. I think that one is me, I’m not really going anywhere well I don’t really feel like I am, sure I’m moving but it’s more one foot in front of the other following the normal course of actions. I wait until I finish Uni and see what the “real world “is like with “real” and impacting decisions, but every weekend I am filled with this impending sense of loss and I can’t help feel responsible for.

Well I can’t obviously be responsible for the splitting up of the group, that no one could stop, but I feel hopelessness at the fact that I can do nothing to stop my sense of loss of connection with these people that have I been used to sharing every weekend with. No more beer nights, sports nights at the TAB or at home in front of the TV, games nights (poker, LAN, XBOX) just in general no more boys night out.

As long as I am not on par with them, in terms of lifestyle (still at Uni) I don’t think that it will ever be a level playing field, I have no hope in keeping up because I still have that extra work that I have to do on weekends and all hours of the day. Being the good mates that they are, they understand and we catch up where we can, phone, Internet (for the overseas ones) and the occasional coffee/beer but still rare. I also worry about the ones that I rarely get to see, but still enjoy the company of as well, will their friendships eventually turn into memories as well.

I hope that this summer that things will improve, it will be the summer of ME, I missed out last year and I am going to try to make up for it this year, it has always been the time of year when the festival season rolls around and there are more things to do outside at night, not to mention just sitting out talking crap with a bunch of friends.

What happened how did it change
Why do they feel locked together in chains
Now the wrong conversation can bring the most unbarable pain
The sanity of their relationship now insane

The prolonged silence speaks of uneasy tensions
Those uncomfortable subjects that don’t want to be mentioned
Over the years they grew up, made different friends
Remained faithful through all odds and ends
Now it seems that the means didn’t justify the ends

Hope for the future is never certain
This might be the closing curtain
Letting go is impossilbly difficult
Cold rationality speaks of seperation
With Such deep connection you cannot make that speculation

Their hands never wondered, minds never strayed
Even so their lives seem displaced
It is a vague memory of once was, now lost
The stories will be left for the ages
To tell family and friends through blurred vision.

Wedges are a couple of people I used to work with at my first place of employment, after so long it took a little time to relate to them again, we were able to talk for a good little while but after a little bit of time I could feel that sense of ‘running out of conversation’ it’s probably going to be one of those things where we will see each other every so often but not a great deal. No matter what I thought of the night it was good to see them again and we left quite amicable, I vow to email them as often as possible.

Pancakes is another former work college, one which I had a good relationship with and continue to do so, although when we worked it was more party and fun, now it’s slightly more serious and deep. I’m not certain which I prefer more, I had learnt a lot about myself and had heaps of fun in the early days but now that relationship had developed into something that I also enjoy immensely, I now notice how we have changed in the few short years that we have known each other even the past 6 months there as been a noticeable change, mostly for the better. Pancakes were each others rock in the ocean when we were going through personal problems and in a way we still are they are just different problems. I am just uncertain how I am seen by this person, I wish I was more but less, either way I know that we value each other and that’s what counts. I vow regular face to face contact, email contact and the occasionally drunken party.

Salad is one of my more interesting friends, not only mentally but emotionally as well, there is certain something that stirs within myself when ever we meet or talk and it is because of this I have kept the ties of friendship alive otherwise it would have been cut long ago. It is one of those relationships that only survives because one side wants it to but the other doesn’t seem to care (the type I hate the most) and yet I still call to find out what is happening and if anything is new, knowing very well what the answers are going to be, but yet I am there. After every meeting I always feel a sense of happiness and a sort of refresh feeling of myself…once again I cannot pin point the exact cause. I want more but alas this is something that I will never get, and yet I want to know why. I never know where I stand, yet I am always so crystal clear.
This relationship is my biggest annoyance, it’s the one I always think about, the one that I double check, it’s just so…bitter sweet, I just wish there was some sort of signal or noticeable gesture that I could look out for so that I would know that I’m liked or that my presence is favorable, hell even a phone call out of the blue to ask how I’m going or to catch up would be great, but I know that I’ll never get that.
I vow to give it another shot, then give up, then another shot, then give up….I don’t know why I torture myself.

Dinner is one of my best mates even from way back when, we always clicked, hung out and did stuff together, it was never uncomfortable and flowed easy, one of my best and more rewarding relationships. It’s great to know that after this long and even after an absence of 6 months or more, separated by more suburbs than before the synergy is still there. Even though the world around us has changed the fundamentals of us hasn’t. The time just flew by faster than I would have liked, even sitting and watching T.V while we ate was comfortable. Why can’t they all be like this? I vow to try to catch up more often, even if is just phone calls.

Bottom line, I’m not so great dealing with change the fact that the people in front of me had changed so much was a signal that I had changed, although the fact that I still enjoy my life would indicate that I haven’t changed for the worse and the fact that these people from my past still talk to me and we had at least a couple of hours chat would prove somewhat that it wasn’t too hard to put up with me for a little while.

I like my life interesting, and as long as I’m not hurting anyone else or causing myself too much emotional distress I will continue to enjoy interesting, disheartening and wonderful friendships all the time. The variety keeps me on my toes, it’s probably a bit stupid and a lot of wasted time, but overall I’m not depressed about it, most of the time I think that it’s fun, and in the end isn’t that all that matters, that you are having fun.

Why?

So that one can feel better about themselves, because the other is insecure. Or is it just personality, that could be why they are a match, once chases the other allows the chase, like a plug fitting in a socket.

Personally I hate being the one to make all the phone calls having to do the run around. It makes you feel unwanted, sometimes used but most of the time, and worst of all, unsure about the relationship. I am not insecure about myself or my feelings I am very certain, and emotionally stable, which is probably my downfall, its the reason that I keep making those calls against my better judgement or is it my eternal curiosity, I haven’t figured out which yet.

Eventually one person will stop, one will have enough of the chase when they realise that they were chasing nothing at all.
But how do you tell when the same person is consistently nice to you, how to do you see through the smoke screen, I certainly can’t which is why chasing ghosts is such a sport for me, it’s shame because I have lost too many friends that way too. How do I know if someone likes me, platonic of course, is there a way to tell or is verbal conformation that only way?

I was told by a friend that it is a natural occurrence in the context of relationships for people to be followers and gathers, there are those among us who are magnets for people, you naturally gravitate towards them, there is something about them that facilitate
conversation and social scenes, I have seen this and I’m a little annoyed by it mainly because I’m a chaser.

I am probably too harsh, if they don’t show the same amount of enthusiasm that I show I tend to give up on them, but why, could it just be me and the way that I interact with people, of course I speak only of a handful of people that I know, most are not like this and I enjoy their company and I have certainty that they enjoy mine. It is always that 1% that makes the difference, that gets you wondering as you walk home “wow that was a great night, buy why is it always me that makes the contact, if they are not interested why not just say no to coffee?”

I’m not a fan of the one sided romance.

I would say that I’m an alright judge of character, but I’m not great, I think that I can only tell if someone is being honest or not, and body language I’m hopeless at. Losing that connection with someone has only happened a few times before but I have noticed that it is starting to increase, it’s more about that dead point in a conversation, that bit where you both look away and not sure what to say or that sudden change in topic.

Was it because I didn’t have the social lubricant that was my former place of employment, I suppose that it was we always had something in common, it’s interesting because it has happened twice – two former places of employment. My current one I doubt that I will make the same sort of friends because it is along the lines of the IT career that I would like to follow.

It sort of suddenly hit me, why I feel this way and why I keep perpetuating this problem, it’s because I like it this way, there is something about the uncertainty of the situation that I seem to like almost want. It must be a challenge to maybe go somewhere I shouldn’t be or to turn those that don’t find me interesting to liking me.

My one and only example of this fact is when I had made quite a good acquaintance with a fellow female employee but I felt that the friendship wasn’t reciprocated but I was persistent until the relationship had become two way instead of one way. Then a strange thing happened, I started to notice little annoyances that were forgivable before but now were not and suddenly the interest in her died and it was no longer a problem that we didn’t talk or that she showed no interest. In the end I didn’t care I had reached a point that I had wanted but didn’t want to go any further.

I think that subconsciously I’m just a glutton for punishment on the relationship front, not only do I have secret problems with my g/f, I decide that to make things a little more interesting by going after rocky friendships with other people.

What I confused man I am.

I have a busy week of catch up’s with old friends mostly people I used to work with, I think that maybe putting it out there and asking them straight up might put the topic to rest, but then I don’t think that I will be happy. Besides being over analytical is what I am best at and this provides me with a game that I can play when I am bored.

Those that I have kept in contact with they have invited me out, and I’m glad to go, but those that haven’t talked to me, or I to them they don’t seem to like me so I’m a little hesitant to head out, considering that the night will involve alcohol and partying which could mean that I will end up a little worse for wear.

I don’t know if I am better off having individual catch up sessions with only the people that I like instead of seeing those that I both like and dislike and throw caution to the wind and hope that nothing too bad happens.

As I don’t really have a choice I guess that I will go along and hopefully it will turn out alright. My other decision that I have to make would be to decide if I should drive or not, driving affords me the possibly of getting home easily while spending less money on drinks, but it could mean that I won’t be drinking, duh!

But drinking has that same ups and downs, I might not find easy transport home, but I could have slightly more fun and on top of that I haven’t had a decent night out with on the grog in quite a while.

As with most things I guess that I’ll just make my decision at the last minute.