I hope that you get something out of it as well.

It wasn’t a mighty plan but still grand,
a trip overseas a house maybe more
and possibly baked bean cans

As time passed by each goal was slowly lost
Pushed away by the rising tide of doubt, too high a cost

I used to see gadgets, overseas trips, and laughter
But now I stand on this empty road
the bright lights gone and nothing to go after

The motivation is gone, I want nothing to do
No one else believes in your dreams, would you?

My journey to my start line has been problematic
The first step can only be more dramatic

The other two roads are less arduous
It’s a choice between; joy, pain and regret
While the choice maybe easy, the decision is not.

I decision should have been made long ago
I let it linger too long, can I still do,
what needs to be done, I don’t know.

This summer will decide which road to take
I should be without hope & depressed
I stand looking at the roads, feeling blessed.

This is the first time that he has tried to give me ‘life advice’ the other times had always been school and friends stuff which is harmless but then we got to the sex talk….uncomfortable!

Everything he said just was really weird and disjointed I was more embarrassed for him rather than me, it’s actually quite funny now that I think of it how he decided to deliver his speech and mum for some reason thought that it was his job to do it rather than hers or both. From here it moved to relationship advice, marriage advice with the odd technical stuff thrown in for good measure to make sure I am enough of a man…roar!!

Today’s talk was about buying houses with the g/f, the other stuff was fine because I could take it at face value and write it off as a father with years of experience trying to pass on knowledge which is cool by me and I appreciate it, most of the time it is useful, most of the time.

But this topic hit a little too close to home, I have been thinking about this for a little while and the subject of moving out has been a little sore at the moment because of our differences (the g/f and I) with the place that we want to go to. She and I couldn’t be more polar opposites rent/buy and city/suburbs. So far I have been putting it off until later, but it keeps popping up. It comes down to our personalities, most of the things that I enjoy and want to do happen to be in the city which includes a lot of the festivals, clubs and pubs, at this age I just think that it would be more exciting if I was to live somewhere closer to the action so I would have less of a chance of missing out on things. Her on the other hand (from my point of view) seems to already have the grandma cardigan on and enjoys those nights at home and thus would prefer the leafier surrounds of suburban life, this further extends to the question of rent/buy. Renting for me at this stage would mean that I would have more disposable income be it for a short while and more flexibility with what I wanted to do with my money and where I wanted to go. But buying for me would prove to much of a commitment and frankly would feel like there would be nothing left for me to experience. Could you imagine trying to pay a mortgage on a graduate salary…

‘hey life….cya later’

Of course my reasons are opposites for her, she isn’t into the city life and setting down is what she wants, so I have a hard difficult road ahead. I am rather good at compromises so I am hoping that I can work something out, but at this stage like I do with most things I will put it towards the back of my mind and worries until I really have to deal with it.

The advice was good and when compared to my plan seemed like a much better idea, it seems that my parents aren’t as disconnected from my world or generation as I thought and they will definitely become more useful as I get older. Besides I might need somewhere to go and live in a near future.

But almost a year has past since I have come back and I don’t really have much to show for it (in terms of photos) I have have the odd batch here and there but nothing consistent. I have started a photoblog at least a couple of times but still can’t keep it going for very long.

I would like to think that the problem is that my weekly schedule doesn’t really allow me to see enough of the world to photograph. Money to Friday is Uni and work, which is mainly indoors and doesn’t provide much variety in terms of differing scenery. The weekends…well nothing happens on the weekends (which is another gripe of mine that I won’t go into)

I do try to keep my eyes on the web about how to become better at taking photos, ideas about what to take or even reviews on that Canon 350D that I desperately (but can’t justify) want – because I stupidly think that it will make me better or inspire me more. But then recently I stumbled across an interesting post.

Project 365

I wasn’t too sure about starting something like this, I mean I haven’t been very successful in the past with taking photos just randomly, but now that I have to will I be able to find something. But hey, what would it hurt…if I don’t do it or doesn’t work out nothing lost. If I do it and I do get something out of it…all the better.

I started a few days ago and although I haven’t been able to take a photo everyday, I have tried to capture things that I find interesting that I see everyday. Here are three:

I have also been thinking about doing the ‘take a photo of yourself everyday’ thing as well. It would be interesting to see how much I change through the course of the summer and the coming year. That is if I can keep it up.

There has been one interesting side effect to the photo-a-day thing, I have started to notice the world a little more. I am starting to see things from a different perspective, I know it’s early days and I’m probably jumping the gun a bit, but I think that this project might make me more appreciative of the world around me that I see everyday.

The changes that I have seen in myself I have also seen in my group of friends, as we have group we have always been good mates and I have no doubt that we always will be, but we have begun to separate and follow different paths. We don’t see each other as often as we used to and when we do the conversations seem to be scattered almost like we are holding back. The changes are all different – marriage, relationships, moving out, overseas, stagnation…yes stagnation. I think that one is me, I’m not really going anywhere well I don’t really feel like I am, sure I’m moving but it’s more one foot in front of the other following the normal course of actions. I wait until I finish Uni and see what the “real world “is like with “real” and impacting decisions, but every weekend I am filled with this impending sense of loss and I can’t help feel responsible for.

Well I can’t obviously be responsible for the splitting up of the group, that no one could stop, but I feel hopelessness at the fact that I can do nothing to stop my sense of loss of connection with these people that have I been used to sharing every weekend with. No more beer nights, sports nights at the TAB or at home in front of the TV, games nights (poker, LAN, XBOX) just in general no more boys night out.

As long as I am not on par with them, in terms of lifestyle (still at Uni) I don’t think that it will ever be a level playing field, I have no hope in keeping up because I still have that extra work that I have to do on weekends and all hours of the day. Being the good mates that they are, they understand and we catch up where we can, phone, Internet (for the overseas ones) and the occasional coffee/beer but still rare. I also worry about the ones that I rarely get to see, but still enjoy the company of as well, will their friendships eventually turn into memories as well.

I hope that this summer that things will improve, it will be the summer of ME, I missed out last year and I am going to try to make up for it this year, it has always been the time of year when the festival season rolls around and there are more things to do outside at night, not to mention just sitting out talking crap with a bunch of friends.

But I have started something else at home, I’ve started with the flavoured tea’s – green, green chai, strawberry, lemon, blackcurrant. The list goes on, after I tried one I couldn’t stop buying until I had every flavour on the shelf.

I’m uncertain what it is about them but I have at least 2 – 3 cups a day, all different flavours, the smell it’s just more….exotic than the coffee and less overpowering. There is no instant hit that I always seem to get with coffee but there is the often touted benefits that are seem to pop up everywhere, although I haven’t given up coffee I am enjoying the change.

So now I’m an avid tea drinker, now I just need some bells and a tea room!

What happened how did it change
Why do they feel locked together in chains
Now the wrong conversation can bring the most unbarable pain
The sanity of their relationship now insane

The prolonged silence speaks of uneasy tensions
Those uncomfortable subjects that don’t want to be mentioned
Over the years they grew up, made different friends
Remained faithful through all odds and ends
Now it seems that the means didn’t justify the ends

Hope for the future is never certain
This might be the closing curtain
Letting go is impossilbly difficult
Cold rationality speaks of seperation
With Such deep connection you cannot make that speculation

Their hands never wondered, minds never strayed
Even so their lives seem displaced
It is a vague memory of once was, now lost
The stories will be left for the ages
To tell family and friends through blurred vision.

I’m uncertain what it is but I find them so much more interesting to watch, it’s probably because of their instability and the fact that they don’t confirm to the traditional guidelines to what a hero should embody and don’t follow the normal rules.

Wikipedia probably has the best definition:

When the anti-hero is a central character in a work of fiction the work will frequently deal with the effect their flawed character has on them and those they meet along the narrative. In other words, an anti-hero is a protagonist that lives by the guidance of their own moral compass, striving to define and construe their own values as opposed to those recognized by the society in which they live. Additionally, the work may depict how their character alters over time, either leading to punishment, un-heroic success, or redemption.

I hope that there are more stories and characters that emerge as this, because as the traditional hero ( Superman, Justice League, Sir Galahad are probably the best examples) might have had its time, the world today isn’t able to believe that someone can be that pure and wholesome and still be mentally stable. Such characters I think will remain in the realm of fiction, but someone with a flaw that would be his/her downfall that makes them more human, more damaged more like us.

I would like to note the fact that I’m mainly referring to fictional heroes here, there are many cases for people to be considered heroes or to have possible heroic qualities the list is way to long (Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Mother Teresa) and can list those that have fought for a cause or an ideal that should have existed but didn’t, I am not arguing this.

Like The Architect said in The Matrix Reloaded possibly an imperfect world is a perfect one, so possibly making characters flawed like us makes them more believable, it makes sense because many of the comic book anti-heros are some of the most revered that you will come across: Batman and Wolverine are the best examples off the top of my head.