The observations of this one case and the conclusion drawn from them are in accordance with something that was drawn to my attention by the chief doctor of our concentration camp. The death rate in the week between Christmas, 1944, and New Year’s, 1945, increased in camp beyond all previous experience. In his opinion, the explanation of this increase did not lie in the harder working conditions or the deterioration of our food supplies or a change of weather or new epidemics. It was simply that the majority of the prisoners had lived in the naive hope that they woruld be home again by Christmas. As the time drew near and there was no encouraging news, the prisoners lost courage and disappointment overcame them. This had a dangerous influcence on their power of resistance and a great number of them died.

As we said before, any attempt to restore a man’s inner strength in the camp had first to succeed in showing him some future goal. Nietzsche’s words, ‘He who has a why to live for a can bear with almost any how” could be the guiding motto for all psychotherapeutic and psychohygienic efforts regarding prisoners. Whenever there was an opportunity for it, one had to give them a why – a aim – for their lives, in order to strengthen them to bear the terrible how of their existence. Woe to him who saw no more sense in his life, no aim, no purpose, and therefore no point in carrying on. He was soon lost. The typical reply with which such a man rejected all encouraging arguments was, “I have nothing to expect from life anymore”

My grandma went to hospital

There was something wrong with her white blood cell count. We went to see her but I was nervous this was the first time in a long time that she has been in there for something serious. By the time that we got there she had been feeling better, mum had said that she is looking better. I was relieved but again it stuck me, she is slowly slipping away. Each month I notice that she is getting a little bit older that she seems to forget things and that her cognition is off.

This has again sparked me into the whole family tree/history thing, my desperate need to know and record my past. For what purpose and for what end I’m yet to figure out but I do know that the more that I find out the more I am interested in.

I watched “Into the Wild”

It’s an interesting movie with a suggestive sub-text. We live in a materialistic world filled with people who are desperate to impress other people. I liked the story and it seems rather romantic…from the outside, the reality is a different story. It got me thinking about what I’m doing now and how much it really matters.

I wanted to find out the books that Chris (from the movie) read for him to reach this state of mind, this is what I’ve found so far.

• ‘Tanaina Plantlore’ by Priscilla Russel Kari
• ‘Education of a Wandering Man’ by Louis L’Amour
• Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
• War and Peace (Lev Tolstoy)
• Death of Ivan Ilych (Lev Tolstoj)
• Call of the Wild (Jack London)
• White Fang (Jack London)
• Moon-Face (Jack London)
• Brown Wolf (Jack London)
• To Build a Fire (Jack London)
• Doctor Zhivago (Boris Pasternak)
• Terminal Man (Michael Crichton)
• O Jersualem! (Larry Collins & Dominique Lapierre)
• Walden (Henry David Thoreau)

The aim would be to read it and see if I can see (figuratively) the same things that he did.

I’ve thought again about the idea of a journal

This has all let me to the mystical journal that I keep picking up and putting down. Half of it is this blog the other half is written for myself.

I think that I’ll give it another go in 2011.

Standard logical rule that I believe has always existed: My friend then I drive to and from venue. Her friend then she will drive to and from the venue.

Actual rule that does exist: No matter where we are going I will always drive, if it is my friend I have to drive because it is my friend and she shouldn’t have to drive. If it is her friend then I have to drive because she wants to drink and doesn’t like driving at night.

Warning: Questioning the rule will result in anger, possible silence and statements of me being difficult

I have learned these days that it pays to pick the people whom I sit next to, I myself am quite tall and the long legs doesn’t help in a crowded train. So I tend to sit opposite people with shorter legs which makes the journey easier for both of us.

This day I chose to sit next to 3 noisy friends, the girl next to me and the 2 guys opposite me. I’ve never had my ear hurt by someone talking, but she was loud enough speaking of her dodgy friends and horrid workmates. The guys opposite her wrapped in every word that she said, clearly having nothing to say, they continued onward never the less in this round about conversation touching and leaving the same topics over and over again.

I wasn’t able to get through my book like I normally do, I have something else to watch out for next time that I get on the tain.

The guy sitting next to me asked ‘sounds like you have a tough day?’ I responded with ‘nar, just a long one mate, that’s all’

I noticed that he had an interesting ring on his finger, maybe a skull and cross but didn’t get a good look, further long on his forearm there were more linked metal and silver chains. He looked sort of like a bikie without the facial hair, tattoos or attitude. He just seemed like someone who wanted to talk.

So he talked, I learned about his brothers, how all four of them were different, careers, physical appearance, some alive some dead but still a part of him. I learned about his sister in laws how they were different. Eventually we got onto his interest of what attracts people to one another, how nothing is as it seems on the outside. How so true I thought to myself. It was about this point that my stop came up (I was only traveling from one end to another end of Collins street)

I find the city interesting, not only for the places that abound.

They have worked, changing breakfast from anything-that-I-can-eat-in-a-hurry to oats and honey in the morning has kept me full at lunchtime. Cooked chicken and salad/pita for lunch with a protein snake at about 3pm has keep my energy levels up longer than normal.

But my biggest problem is also my most fatal, will and determination is that seems to be holding me back, that when things go crazy for a bit (fight with the partner, tough work day) I let my guard down and let the food in. It is this excat problem which has lead me to this predicment in the first place. It’s this realisation that I’ve ready many times and seen more often that not which has finally dawned on me.

This will be harder than I thought.

Soon enough a phone call is made and a conversation beings with a very excited voice, going over the details of the night before. It was a date, a first date with a guy that she had met through a friend of a friend. She was good looking, not a model but certainly someone that wouldn’t have trouble getting drinks at a bar or club, it certainly sounded like she had difficulty finding the right type of guy before, if not someone interesting it was someone that would treat her the way she wanted.

From the sounds of it, this guy was an interesting fellow himself, “he was so full of life, such a zest of light I have never seen before” and not a bad looker himself  “he wasn’t stunning but he was good looking, like he had got around bit, he likes spending time outdoors and can’t find anyone to spend that time with” and they had run into each other before “we went to the same uni and did the same courses, I knew his brother but not him, we talked about our favorite lectures, subjects and places around the uni”

It was interesting conversation the whole time with her face set in a constant state of happiness such that I couldn’t concentrate on my book, after a little while I put the book down and pulled out the notes on World War II that I had been slowing going through, this required less concentration and could be easily skimmed.

“we are looking forward to seeing each other again, he was so nice, it was nice to finally meet someone that I can get along with so easily”

She hung up the phone and begun twirling the mobile phone again in her hands, almost waiting to make another phone call and tell someone else the story again.

I keep forgetting that this is the about the time that seemily millions of school children also board the train. The train arrives, the rain is coming down and the wind is blowing.

We board the train, I find a spot where I can stand, get my book out and begin to read, as we pass station after station it becomes apparent that the previously cancelled train has begun to take it’s tool

A women turns a head, another gets a faceful of hair, a man tries to read with another persons’ hand in front of their face holding onto the bar, eveyone contends with school kids and their backpacks being thrown around as theyswish around like water as the train makes it’s journey.

The train is full again and we are all uncomfortable.

I got home late, when I wasn’t supposed to, I had told the fiance with every good intention that I would be home earlier than the 5 hours that I actually got home by taxi. I had driven the car to the station that night because I to believe that I would be home by 9pm.

So when I got up the next morning, obviously nervous about the telling off that I would get, which I got I realised that I also had to go and get my car, what was also lucky was that my fiance hadn’t noticed that my car was missing. So off I went, by bus, under the guise that I was dropping off some dry cleaning. Everything worked perfectly, I returned in my car and no one was the wiser.

That was until the next day or so when one of our neighbours came by, a family friend of the fiance. When it was mentioned that I was seen walking to the bus stop carrying clothes and why I was doing such a thing. My story had to come undone.

That’s the trouble with good neighbors.

School children…hundreds of them, unavoidable, loud, obnoxis, intrusive, space hogs. They are everywhere and they take up so much space, funnily enough the girls tend to be fine, nothing wrong with them as they fit in like any other normal passenger (besides being numerous amounts of them) It’s the boys that are the uncomfortable part, they push, get in the way, are rude, and when you have just woken up and all you want to do is try to relax before a busy day at work is need a buch of boys screaming about something or other. But they all take up copious amounts of room which cout towards trains being late due to numours people but also school bags blocking doors.

I just realised how old that last paragraph made me sound, I shall say no more to what I’ve already stated.

So how do I get around the problem, I catch a earlier train, like most things there is always a solution.

• Sell a print or digital of one of my photographs
• Do more photography, I enjoy it and find it relaxing, so why not
• Loose 10kg, get to size 34 pants, 15% body fat
• Start a small home business (photography or computer fix/repair)
• Get a job that I want
• Find and buy into a managed fun that has regular savings
• Find and buy shares into company
• Build the network that I’ve been thinking about
• Read 2 books per month
• Write more (journal and blog)
• Practice meditation
• See my friends more regularly
• Join the 365 project – take a photo per day
• Take a photo of myself everyday
• Build a stronger relationship with my fiance
• Continue to understand and believe in myself more
• Dig into my family history and record it – family tree with stories
• Learn a second language or two
• Ride to work or at least half way or to the station
• Learn to cook…better
• Develop a ‘early riser’ routine

I don’t know if I will get to them all or any of them. I’ve got it out there at least, out of my mind.

While my job may not be a teachers job in the way that I look after or teach people things, I like to think that I face my own stress as well. When seriously compared (or she is a better story teller) my things don’t matter. It’s amazing how your problems can seem the worst in the world and then when someone else puts them in perspective with their story. Stories of kids going crazy in the classroom, parents dealing with the mentally disabled children and the general teacher gossip that goes around.

I wondering what it would be like teaching children, everyone things that they would be good, I’m sure that I would be alright but who knows. Not me, I’m actually quite scared of children…well teaching them…parenting them. I like the bit where you can take them have fun with them and give them back. There is none of that with teaching, you have to be tough and kind as well.

I wonder what she would be like in my job, the daily stress of last minute requests, the strategy meetings, the juggling multiple projects, the pressure of the projects the constant meetings.

It’s amzing the amount of misgiving that people from different professions have about each other is amazing, I admit that I was one of those that would tease teachers from afar, but now having the experice of living with one makes me realise how much they actually go though. To be fair listening the primary/junior secondary school kids on the train maked me want to tape their mouths shut and staple their bags to them. I couldn’t possibly deal with because of a profession – I have a hard enough time dealing with the animals that I work with.

It’s with this same perspective that I look at all other people with a jobs – waiters, cooks, lawyers, train drivers, police, trades people – they all deal with the stress of their own type.

It’s amazing how dedicated some people can be and it became evident that I can be that dedicated, the couple of weeks that I have been doing this I realised the amount that people are prepared to give up for little gain.

I had been convinced to do this due the the great exposure and experience that I would get, I hated it at first. The mundane work, long hours and the exposure and experience that I wasn’t getting.

I stuck with it, the dinner at work, 15 hour days, 60 hour weeks. I don’t know if  made an impression or not but I”m leaving now because I couldn’t handle the work and I wanted to go back where it was easy.

Go back where it was easy, that part I don’t like, the part where I might have given up because it all got too hard. I don’t know how this will effect me in the future but I hope that I made the right decision.

I get home about at 6.30 pm (on average), anytime between now and 7.45 pm is dinner (cooking and eating). I clean up after dinner which will normally take me to about 8.00 pm, and then I’ll clean up and get ready for the next day (shower/shave/clothes). It’s now 8.30 pm, here is where the problem starts, I have to be in bed at 9.30, I don’t think that I’ll make it to bed by 9.30 because I’ve got things that I like to do at night.

• See friends
• General surfing the Internet
• Say out after work

I’m not used to the routine either that she has, so regimented so routine. It leaves little to be flexible with the little time that I do have to do what I want. There are many things that I have found out that I would like to share with you now.

• I didn’t know that pillows also existed for decoration. I thought that beds served a practical purpose and since no one has seen it yet decoration seems useless.

• Beds need to be tucked in a military fashion otherwise it is not made

• House cleaning must be done at 7am on a Saturday morning.

• Gardening is meant to be fun

• ‘You’re the man’ is meant to he a sufficient reason for almost everything

It’s not that I’m complaining, it is that I’ve never segmented duties to gender classification, but it seems the I’m relegated to the garden work and she to the house work.
I don’t know if it has been the years of nagging and negative comments, but I’m just very cynical of her now. Or am I too emotional that I take comments that she said too personal. Who knows.

I’ve started to have a very uneasy stomach, with it causing lots of discomfort, I’ve also had a lot of chest pain on the left side. I’m not certain if this is because I’m also unfit.

There are days that I don’t even want to come home because I don’t want to deal with the uncomfortable conversations that I know I have to have. 

I guess this is one those grown up things that I have to learn how to do.

She said yes!

Everyone is celebrating.

What do I do now…

Should I try again or try a different strategy, most of the mistakes I’ve made and tried to fix I’ve done on my own without the intervention of others. I doubt that this is going to be any different.
I have thought about getting a gym buddy or someone to help me with food (my biggest problem) but this thought faded quickly. I just don’t like the idea of anyone helping me or having someone to rely on…or is it rely on me.

My main moment of weakness is dinner, I come home after work and desperately hungry and just start eating food. I have noticed a pattern though and this may come and no surprise, the worse my sleep the worse my eating. This morning I got up late and skipped breakfast, ate too much for lunch. The only upside is that I didn’t get hungry in the afternoon like I normally do.

I think that I’ll get a soup for dinner as this should tide me over until I have to go to sleep.

Measurements

• Weight: 93 Kg
• Waist: 106 cm
• Chest: 105 cm

Doing this means that I miss out on rare opportunties like today. Walking out of the office and just missed a bit of a shower or drizzle but looking up towards to the Paris end of Collins Street I saw one really strong rainbow, there was another but the colour was weaker.

It wasn’t just the rainbow that was stunning, the light was this light sepia colour everywhere, the air had this great wet fresh smell about, the clouds around the rainbow that this look like someone had dragged a rake across the snow.

I wish that I had my camera to capture that moment and the sight, I couldn’t describe it well enough which is why I take photos and not write poetry.
Hopefully I’ll get that chance again.

• I no longer sleep well
• I am loosing concentration at work
• My eating patterns are unstable
• I cannot control what I eat
• Cravings are driving me crazy
• I’m in danger or not fitting into suits
• My immune systems isn’t as strong as it used to be
• I am out of breath more often
• Constant headaches

I should have done this years ago when I tried the gym workouts but couldn’t stick with it and I’m going to try again. I have to get a food right otherwise none of it is going to work, I have make a habit of exercise otherwise it is in vain.

Measurements

• Weight: 92 Kg
• Pants Size: 36/38 Inches 92/98 cm
• Waist (belly button): 106 cm
• Chest: 105 cm

The area that worries me the most is by waist, this has to drop or my health risks will continue.

I will start today, not by drastic exercise or a fad diet, but by just saying that today is the day that I have to begin.

I don’t walk, I don’t really like it and I find it slow and boring. But quite a few people at work have gotten together to take on something called the Global Corporate Challenge (GCC), a quick warning that the website sucks, slow flash and badly designed.

Now I’m walking more, not because I enjoy walking but I suppose to try to be competitive. I heard that 10,000 steps per day is the quota to be healthy. I have heard of those that are clocking up 25,000 per day which is a lot of steps. I have noticed a problem though, walking everywhere is great, even if it is freezing cold outside, walking in a business suit. Also active walking can work up a sweat, turning up at a meeting or to the start of the day sweating isn’t what I’m after.

It is though a fair indicator of how much I don’t get around, even if I don’t reach the magical 25,000 steps mark I’ll try to aim for 10,000

I don’t know how to motivate zombies, is it even possible. Uni has all been about ‘working with others’ and you will never work along and always in a group. This is true and while didn’t really doubt this I am now only realising how hard it is working with those that do not want to work.

I could always pick up the slack in Uni groups when those that did nothing but now I’ve got enough to do myself that I don’t have the time or energy to pick up that slack.

I did find out that I’m a bit to soft to be leading people at this stage, I tried to be a bit tougher but I think that I’m a little afraid of offending people. Something that I’m going to try to develop over the coming year, which adds to the ever growing list.

It might be little to late but I’ve had enough of trying to save face while the end goal suffers, I will have to live with the fact that I might not be the most popular person when I start make people responsible and that they are litting the whole team down.

I guess that I just care too much what others think of me, I will have to get over that.

There is so much more to it other than just putting your head down and working. There are the relationships that are built but also your perception as a worker can also be dependent on how you fit in with the team.

I kept my head down and worked, because that’s the way I know now to get things done, how to complete projects and produce results. Consequently it was also another way to loose sleep and stress more. Maybe in another time or another company being tired would be a badge of honor but these days I doubt that.

I have quickly learned that being tired = non-productive, so instead of trying to hammer out that report at the end of the day I’m going home getting rest and coming in early the next day and doing a better job.

While I’m an advocate of the ‘head down bum up’ work ethic, I’m becoming aware that it might not be percieved as the best method. I occasionaly put in the odd 10 – 12 hour day, this might be fine in some cases but I wouldn’t want my peers to think that I’m incompetent and have to work long hours to keep up.

My two big reasons for changing my attitude towards work hours and how I work.

• I now have more of a spine
• I have realised that I’m not as intelligent as I thought I was
• That people are the most variable factor is anything that you do
• Face to Face conversations are more important
• Integrity doesn’t win you friends
• You are judged, not matter what you do

How did I learn all of this…my new corporate life. It is amazing how the prioites in my life have changed, work now is the major factor that I consider when making decisions on what to do during the week or weekend. Since having a full-time salary now means that I have started looking for a new place to live and buying the ‘stuff’ that fills our houses to fill the new one.

Since the majority of my time is taken up by work and possibly a few other minor activities, that is mostly what I’ll be posting about.

I hope that it won’t be too boring.

Now there is something else that I might be set to attend. The Japan Festival is being held in the later part of May and is set to showcase a lot of popular culture about Japan.

The only question that I have is why the Japan Club of Victoria would only have their website in Japanese and not English, does a Victorian club not want others (besides Japanese) to join. Do I sound annoyed…well I am. I suppose that it’s typically Japanese but I feel a bit hindered to join because I don’t feel welcome – a bit much from just reading a website.

Either way I’m going and have a great time!

Glen Waverley
Belgrave/Lilydale
Carnbourne/Packenham

They are listed by the way in order of the one that I want to travel. I have always used the Glen Waverley line because it was closet to home, but recently I’ve had the chance to house sit closer to two different train lines.

Our train systems really are a mess, when at 6.30am there should be a minimal number of people it was standing room only. I know which line I won’ t be eventually living near (Carnbourne/Packenham) I thought that it was hard on the Glen Waverley, hardly ever express, doesn’t come often though and over crowding on somedays.

I have previously heard of the Public Transport User Association,  but now I’m seriously considering joining and helping where I can. I know that Connex has started to bring in changes I just hope that they will work as effectively as Melbourne desperately needs the change.

I can’t tell you the tension in the train some morning (actually most of you might know what I’m talking about) and it would be great to have a normal train ride one day.